He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
