You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
