Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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