Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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