We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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