Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
