I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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