Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
