well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
