in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
