hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
