i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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