I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
