Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize