I'm eating all of the evidence.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
