i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
