If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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