Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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