Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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