I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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