i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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