You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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