I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
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