I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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