glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
