my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
