Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?