I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Dating After Heartbreak
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?