DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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