the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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