Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
