i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
