I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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