You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
