i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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