My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
