Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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