Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
