Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
that may or may not have been my penis.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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