i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
