make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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