So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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