Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
