Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
