The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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