If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize