tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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