to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
