You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
