sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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