tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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