Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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