I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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