i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
