we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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